(My regular column is suspended during the pandemic, but we’re running some old ones I thought readers might enjoy. They originally were published in The Idaho Statesman. Many are humor columns from the 1980s. In times like these, we need humor.) Someday in a better world, people will have alternatives to the things that frustrate us today. They’ll have conquered gravity, achieved world peace and outlawed robocalls. If they’re really lucky, they’ll have found an alternative to paint. This occurred to me after cleaning up a paint spill the other day. And I hadn’t even been painting. The paint was left over from a room painted months earlier. Normally I take old paint to a hazardous-waste truck at…
Tim Woodward is a longtime Idaho columnist. His columns appear one Sunday a month, often more frequently, in The Idaho Press and are posted on woodwardblog.com the following Mondays.
Posts by Tim Woodward
(My regular column is suspended during the pandemic, but we’re running some old ones I thought readers might enjoy. They originally were published in The Idaho Statesman early in my career there. Many are humor columns from the 1980s. In times like these, we need humor.) Credit Robert Kelleher with the bizarre idea of the month Kelleher is a candidate for governor of Montana. His idea is the kind of story newspaper columnists pray for. He wants to start a Montana Merchant Marine! The man is serious. He actually wants landlocked Montana to invest in merchant- marine freighters. Imagine the headlines. “S.S. Bozeman sinks off Nebraska coast.” The only thing that separates Kelleher from true genius is…
(My regular column is suspended during the pandemic so we decided to run some old ones I thought readers might enjoy. They originally were published in The Idaho Statesman early in my career there. This one is a followup to one the ran two weeks ago, on the confusion between Idaho and Iowa.) The scene: a service station in South Carolina. Georgia traveler – We’ll be home soon. Where is your home? Idaho traveler – Boise, Idaho. Georgia traveler – Well now! I don’t rightly know if we come through there or not. We come through St. Louis. Idaho traveler – You probably didn’t come through Boise then. It’s about 1,600 miles from St. Louis. Georgia traveler – It is?!…
(My regular column is suspended during the pandemic, but we’re running some old ones I thought readers might enjoy. They originally were published in The Idaho Statesman early in my career there. Many are humor columns from the 1980s. In times like these, we need humor.) Idaho and Iowa are states so different from each other it would seem impossible to confuse them. Idaho is mountains, irrigated farmland and desert. The definition of an Idaho rainstorm – a lot of wind, a lot of dust, a few drops and it’s over – is pretty accurate. Idaho has the nation’s largest wilderness outside of Alaska and more than 150 peaks higher than 10,000 feet. Iowa is flat, a Midwest prairie with abundant…
Suggested headline: Who is called what where (My regular column is suspended during the COVID 19 pandemic, but we decided to run some old ones I thought readers might enjoy. They originally were published in The Idaho Statesman early in my career there. Many will be humor columns. In times like these, we need humor.) One of the surest ways to annoy Boiseans is to call them Boizeans. People tend to be touchy, according to a recent Smithsonian article, “about what other people call them. Call someone from Indiana an Indianan and you will be reminded in no uncertain terms about the word Hoosier. North Carolinian is often acceptable, but not to diehard Tarheels. In Utah, folks prefer Utahn over Utahan.” …
(My regular column is suspended during the pandemic, but we’re running some old ones I thought readers might enjoy. They originally were published in The Idaho Statesman early in my career there. Many are humor columns from the 1980s. In times like these, we need humor.) The nuclear accident at Chernobyl has highlighted a startling fact about Idahoans. The startling fact is that Idahoans have a remarkable sixth sense for impending disasters. Whenever disaster strikes, regardless of the circumstances or the remoteness of the location, an Idahoan is almost certain to be there. It happens almost every time. No matter how unpredictable the tragedy, no matter how distant the location, at least one Idahoan will be in just the right…
(Though my regular column is suspended during the COVID 19 pandemic, we’ve decided to run some old ones I thought readers might enjoy. They originally were published in The Idaho Statesman early in my career there. Many will be humor columns. In times like these, we need humor.) Every day, America’s newspapers receive multiple news releases. Most are of marginal value, but every now and then one of true significance comes along. Imagine my excitement upon receiving a news release about this week’s National Nude Weekend. It isn’t often I get a chance at a big story like that. By the time you read this Sunday morning, National Nude weekend will be in full swing. So if you aren’t dressed yet, you…
Suggested headline: Woodward’s tips for dealing with skunks (Though my regular column is suspended during the pandemic, we’re running some old ones I thought readers might enjoy. They originally were published in The Idaho Statesman early in my career there. Many are humor columns from the 1980s. In times like these, we need humor.) Spring must be here. Buds are swelling, crocuses are thrusting their heads through the soil and evenings are fragrant with the springlike aroma of … Skunks. Yes, friends, the scourge of spring is upon us. In some places this isn’t a problem. Where I live, it is the problem. Skunks consider my neighborhood their personal sanctuary. As a public service to those who may have to…
(Though my regular column is suspended during the pandemic, we’re running some old ones I thought readers might enjoy. They originally were published in The Idaho Statesman early in my career there. Many are humor columns from the 1980s. In times like these, we need humor.) Suggested headline: A textbook Woodward vacation Readers ask if my vacations are really as bad as they sound in my columns. The question is administered with varying doses of skepticism, as if no one’s luck could be that bad. To put an end to this misconception, I kept a diary of the two-week vacation just ended. Day One – Cool and cloudy. We drive as far east as Idaho Falls. A convention is in town. By…
Suggested headline: State of the art confusion (Though my regular column is suspended during the pandemic, we’re running some old ones I thought readers might enjoy. They originally were published in The Idaho Statesman early in my career there. Many are humor columns from the 1980s. In times like these, we need humor more than ever.) Try buying a stereo these days. I did. My first stop was a department store. The clerk had just transferred from draperies. “What do you have in tape decks for around $200,” I asked him. “Huh?” “What do you have in cassette decks for about $200?” “You mean a deck that plays cassettes?” “Now you’ve got it.” “Okay. Well, we…