(My current columns and older ones will alternate from now on during the pandemic. This one originally was published in The Idaho Statesman in 2007.) Expect to see me any day now in shorts with legs roomy enough to accommodate a small family. On my feet will be shoes Bozo the Clown would have envied. Beneath the shorts with legs the size of pup tents will be the ultimate indignity – a thong. That’s what we’ve come to in men’s fashions. Fashion has always been dictated by young people, of course, mainly teens and twenty-somethings. And that’s fine. They’re the ones who look best in clothes anyway. But why should the rest of us have to wear what…
Tim Woodward is a longtime Idaho columnist. His columns appear one Sunday a month, often more frequently, in The Idaho Press and are posted on woodwardblog.com the following Mondays.
Posts by Tim Woodward
(My current columns and older ones will alternate from now on during the pandemic.) One of the most unforgettable musicians I’ve ever known has played his final note. A friend for many years, Russ Martin died at 67 of ALS, Lou Gehrig’s Disease. He was one of the most vital, most alive people you could hope to meet. His enthusiasm for life, his passion for music, his twinkling blue eyes and the smile that lit his face like a light on a dark stage … no one who knew him well will ever forget those things about him. We met more than 30 years ago. I was getting into playing in a band again after a long layoff and contemplating…
(My current columns and older ones will alternate from now on during the pandemic. The “Woodward Classics” originally were published in The Idaho Statesman. Many are humor columns. In times like these, we need humor.) I’m writing this in the Spokane airport. I don’t ever want to see the Spokane airport again. Or any other airport. It’s 5:30 a.m. I’ve been traveling for 39 hours and counting. I’ve had seven hours of sleep in the last 48, and if anyone says “fogged in” again I’m going to set my ticket on fire and hitchhike home. The trip began in Florida, where a friend and I went for a wedding. We skipped dinner after the wedding to drive to the airport for…
If in March someone had said it would be October before I wrote another column, I’d have guessed that I’d been in an accident or suffered one of the worst cases of writer’s block in history. A pandemic never would have occurred to me. It’s good to be writing for you again. It was fun reprising some old columns while new ones were suspended, and it was great to hear from readers who said they enjoyed them, but now it’s time to get back to work. The suspension isn’t entirely over – new and old columns will alternate for a while – but it’s a start. What a different world it is from the relatively innocent one that existed when…
(My regular column is suspended during the pandemic, but we’re running some old ones I thought readers might enjoy. They originally were published in The Idaho Statesman. Many are humor columns, slightly modified, from the 1980s. In times like these, we need humor.) No one can ever accuse Boise Mayor Dirk Kempthorne of a lack of salesmanship. The mayor is planning a trade mission to Taiwan, where he said he will be “looking forward to opening doors for local businesses to expand into new markets. … We must become more aggressive in promoting the sale of local products other than agricultural goods.” Kempthorne is one of nine mayors chosen by the U.S. Conference of Mayors to visit Taiwan, courtesy of a…
(My regular column is suspended during the pandemic, but we’re running some old ones I thought readers might enjoy. They originally were published in The Idaho Statesman. Many are humor columns from the 1980s. In times like these, we need humor.) Someday in a better world, people will have alternatives to the things that frustrate us today. They’ll have conquered gravity, achieved world peace and outlawed robocalls. If they’re really lucky, they’ll have found an alternative to paint. This occurred to me after cleaning up a paint spill the other day. And I hadn’t even been painting. The paint was left over from a room painted months earlier. Normally I take old paint to a hazardous-waste truck at…
(My regular column is suspended during the pandemic, but we’re running some old ones I thought readers might enjoy. They originally were published in The Idaho Statesman early in my career there. Many are humor columns from the 1980s. In times like these, we need humor.) Credit Robert Kelleher with the bizarre idea of the month Kelleher is a candidate for governor of Montana. His idea is the kind of story newspaper columnists pray for. He wants to start a Montana Merchant Marine! The man is serious. He actually wants landlocked Montana to invest in merchant- marine freighters. Imagine the headlines. “S.S. Bozeman sinks off Nebraska coast.” The only thing that separates Kelleher from true genius is…
(My regular column is suspended during the pandemic so we decided to run some old ones I thought readers might enjoy. They originally were published in The Idaho Statesman early in my career there. This one is a followup to one the ran two weeks ago, on the confusion between Idaho and Iowa.) The scene: a service station in South Carolina. Georgia traveler – We’ll be home soon. Where is your home? Idaho traveler – Boise, Idaho. Georgia traveler – Well now! I don’t rightly know if we come through there or not. We come through St. Louis. Idaho traveler – You probably didn’t come through Boise then. It’s about 1,600 miles from St. Louis. Georgia traveler – It is?!…
(My regular column is suspended during the pandemic, but we’re running some old ones I thought readers might enjoy. They originally were published in The Idaho Statesman early in my career there. Many are humor columns from the 1980s. In times like these, we need humor.) Idaho and Iowa are states so different from each other it would seem impossible to confuse them. Idaho is mountains, irrigated farmland and desert. The definition of an Idaho rainstorm – a lot of wind, a lot of dust, a few drops and it’s over – is pretty accurate. Idaho has the nation’s largest wilderness outside of Alaska and more than 150 peaks higher than 10,000 feet. Iowa is flat, a Midwest prairie with abundant…
Suggested headline: Who is called what where (My regular column is suspended during the COVID 19 pandemic, but we decided to run some old ones I thought readers might enjoy. They originally were published in The Idaho Statesman early in my career there. Many will be humor columns. In times like these, we need humor.) One of the surest ways to annoy Boiseans is to call them Boizeans. People tend to be touchy, according to a recent Smithsonian article, “about what other people call them. Call someone from Indiana an Indianan and you will be reminded in no uncertain terms about the word Hoosier. North Carolinian is often acceptable, but not to diehard Tarheels. In Utah, folks prefer Utahn over Utahan.” …